Phew

Dear daughter passed her belt grading. She's an orange or 7 kyu.

I haven't cried in 36 hours.

I have talked via web cam twice. Still kinda strange. Always on screen for 20 minutes.

I have broken the phone and a keyboard so far in the past few days. I think I broke the phone when I threw it. But that's between you and me. The keyboard I think broke from the coffee spill earlier that day.

Nearly have all the dishes done. the living is clean. And I am bored. So bored I tried to play farmville today. And then I got done clicking every damn little plot on the screen, which is a lot and it went out of sync and I lost all that clicking. I gave up on that.

Husband is talking about staying out on this job for 6 months. He can make more money.

I didn't say it. I didn't say

"NO FUCKING WAY".

All I said was, After four months we'll talk about it.

Which we will. Maybe he'll be really close by or he'll be only a few sales off the goal. Really though, no fucking way. He is supposed to have a month or so in an area close enough to come home at night. That would be really nice.

This baby is really awake and I'm really hungry. So I'm going for some toast and then I think quilt a quick block on my patchwork jean quilt. Then bed. No point in going to bed too early. If I'm tired tomorrow I can have a nap. After my dr.s appointment.

Don't believe anything you read tomorrow. It's april fools day.

What is

I'm not just letting things be. Not accepting. I want them different.

I'm sure that somwhere I was convinced that if I cried enough that he would stay home. I know it's not true, but my body felt it.

I know lots of things in my head. My heart feels different.

I don't feel secure.

Won't amount to much

I write, I blog elsewhere. I have a busy life and yet ... here I am.

I don't know if this will amount to much at all. I'm always starting new blogs to express myself and then sharing them and then realizing that I don't want to share with certain people so I change the direction of my blog and then start a new "anonymous" one.

I am currently 12 days away from my due date. My school age daughter is in her room sleeping. And my husband is in another city getting ready to leave for his new job.

Let's back up. He was laid off in September and I was working. In order for him to justify going back to work he had to make enough to pay for child care. Which isn't expensive for before and after school, but for us signifigant enough. And now that I'm not working he had to be able to support us more or less for the next year at least.

There are no jobs for unskilled labours with little education. And he didn't feel we could afford to go to back to school. I disagree, but I'm not the one going to school or work. So ... he's decided to take a sales job out of town. And he decided this about 5 days ago. 20 days before I'm due to give birth. At least the job starts out about 2 hours away.

I'm pissed. I'm scared. I don't want to be a single parent with a school age kid and a newborn. I'm not mad at him. He's doing what he thinks is right for our family. It could be a lucrative job and it only lasts 5 months.

But I can't stop crying.

I'm mad becuase now he's out getting stuff together and he leaves tomorrow. And I'm sitting here alone waiting for him. And I don't know if he's actually getting stuff together or if he's just sitting around and hanging with his cousin (manager of the whole sales team).

I think a lot of my angst comes from the fear that he'll smoke pot while he's gone. And when he returns I'll have to deal with that all over again. I'm not afraid he'll cheat or anything. It's just the drugs.

This whole thing was inspired by April L. Hamilton's post ... Writing Can Save Your Life, Let It.
I'm trying to write instead of phoning him and demanding to know when the FUCK He's coming back.

It's not far off. I'll try to wait until the start of the next hour ... 3 minutes from now.